Random Ramblings, Meaningful Musings

I AM ALIVE

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 03:24:00 GMT

(for those who may have wondered.)

My crow Kosmos (Kaotic remix)

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 08:03:52 GMT

[FIAT LUX]

I guess tonight
When she hung up
I realized
something had ended

There'd been a breach
inside the womb
whose safety I had
for so long depended
PRETENDED
the razors were not real
Numbed my psyche
till I didn't feel
Them cutting through the Core
of Me
Fragmenting my Reality
Dissolving who
I used to be
And leaving but
an ashen crater.

I yielded to fate
and destiny
Let the Universe make
what it would of me
Whatever form I took
Who I came to be
I trusted would be
later Greater.

And so I sit
spinning my tale
Testing the belief
I cannot fail

Plugging needles
into veins
Popping pills
Unclogging drains
Reliving memories
and pain

The crucible
of the mundane
will sanctify
what I Remain.
The chorus of a million voices
collective memory
burned in my brain.
Lain dormant, latent
once again sane.
To make my choices
seem real again.

The slings and arrows hurt
And I don't care
Cuz I know they're not really there
In the darkest depths of self I stare
Shall either find warmth and quarter there
And cease to be
a beast who sees
Or dissolve.
Forever free.

[FIN]

Childhood Ends. Age of Spiritual Machines of Loving Grace Begins.

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 06:44:14 GMT

Eye Want to Be Leave
WE Shall Overcome
Sea the Man in the Mirror
As Dee Lusion
Put an End to One Self
And B 1
1 = OO
4Ever

I WANT TO BELIEVE
WE SHALL OVERCOME
WE SHALL OVERCOME
WE SHALL OVERCOME

XO -> OO

Spontaneous late-night angsty song lyrics

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 06:54:16 GMT

I cannot look inside your heart
I cannot feel the pain that makes you shudder
and reel inside
I cannot be the answer to every question
that remains
I cannot be a balm for
all your pain
I just wanna
look into your eyes
and see my hate vaporize
and see the starry skies above
and go to Saturn and make love
I wanna forget about the
sorrow and pain you've left me in
I wanna lose my guilt and shame
and still retain
my original
sin

It's all a big mystery to me
I dunno what separates this day from the past
Does it matter that I came in last?
Does it matter that I did too much
too fast
before?
and now
I can't adore
ANYTHING
absolutely NOTHING
my whirlwind psychology SPINS me around
SPINNNNNS me around
can't find the ground inside out
and upside down

There's the wish to KILL
in me
There's the wish to LIVE
in me
I don't which will prevail
But I know I cannot fail

Nooooo one
Nooooo one
will ever know why I'm still here
will ever know I lost my fear
when my death drew near

You can say
it's a waste
You can say
I've no taste
for the finer things
'cuz i love suffering
for the SINS of the world
the SINS of the world

When i was but a lad, I roamed the skies above
Wrote paeans of cosmic love
Didn't need to be a man
Didn't need to understand
how to live in this Humanland
But now I do.

What will pull me through?
If this world is not enough
where will I go?
Only the prophets know.
Only the profits? NO.

The unfolding of time shall show.

Pics of me on the web

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 08:36:30 GMT

http://critmass.org/fall2000retreat/fall2000group.jpg

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 23:55:32 GMT

"Time past and time future
Allow but a little consciousness.
To be conscious is not to be in time
But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden,
The moment in the arbour where the rain beat,
The moment in the draughty church at smokefall
Be remembered; involved with past and future.
Only through time time is conquered."
-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets 1: Burnt Norton"

"To see a world in a grain of sand
And heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour."
-- William Blake, "Auguries of Innocence"

"Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are---
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson, "Ulysses"

Having left behind a Life and Self
and cheated Death to form Another
I stand Heart to Heart with two great souls
across the ages, they speak as brothers

I feel the Wonder, Courage, Hope
which stirred Blake to such eloquence
Peer with Tennyson's nostalgic gaze
amidst deep Loss, find Wisdom and Strength.

I know Eliot's puzzlement
At time and life, with Paradox filled
The illusions of yesterday and tommorrow
Distinctions forged by human will

That much has Past away, I know
tales told deeds done, won't come again
From this clear Truth, I do not shirk
Reborn, sustained, by Light within

For I have seen Eternity shine
in Cosmic skies and Hearts of men
Gazed deep into Reality's eyes
known I'll never be Lost again

So in what earthly time remains
I'll dance and play in heavenly realms
Make visions real of worlds without pain
Flow down lifestreams without dead ends.

Heed siren calls Time and Again
the joyful Game that never ends
For what is Now, will soon be Then
"Go on, flow on. New life begins."
"Go on, flow on! New life begins!"

Recalled to Life

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 05:33:09 GMT

I've been gone for a while, I know. "Gone" in many different senses of the word. Some of you know some of the details of my absence. Will tell everyone more in due time.

Today was another major step forward in the project that's been my main focus for months, and will be for years to come: reconstruction of myself, my life, a sense of meaning and purpose and direction.

Was very happy to have one of the most basic of human experiences--socializing, gathering with others for a common purpose. I have been forced to spend most of the last year in extreme isolation and disconnection due to illness. I plan to minimize that from now on.

Went to a book club this evening associated with Fellowship X, a group of Unitarian Universalists in northern Virginia I have been a member of since 1999. We watched the first Harry Potter movie, and then had a general discussion about the entire series of both books and movies. Even having spent a year in solitude, I found that I was able to feel comfortable shortly after arriving, track the flow of conversation, interact effectively with others, and enjoy myself. *pats self on back* Many more good times to come.

Looking back at the past year and a half, I still have difficulty believing the level of adversity I managed to overcome. It took courage, faith, resourcefulness, wisdom. I am fortunate indeed to have all those qualities. To have been able to heal and transcend. To have plunged into the fiery abyss of my mortality and emerged with a chance to create a meaningful life. This time, I'm gonna do it right. I'm gonna use every single ounce of what I've learned. I'll do whatever it takes, for however long it takes. I'm back for good.

Sketching out a new life....

Thu, 18 May 2006 03:53:19 GMT

Putting on a mask.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled rap in progress...

Thu, 04 Mar 2004 13:07:33 GMT

seattlesque started an LJ game where the challenge was to create a cover for a band name and album title that were randomly generated: http://www.livejournal.com/users/seattlesque/40627.html

One of the bands was "Money Frog", and he aptly conceived of it as a rap group and wrote some lyrics. Knowing my long-standing talent for rap (they don't call me dEtH r0 fer nuthin'!), he suggested I bust out with some more lyrics in hopes one of you will get us our first gig. :) So here's the rough draft of our first single, tentatively titled:

Lily-pad Illin'

Should I stop poppin' pillz?
I been chillin' on muh pad
Passin' da time
wit' dope rhymez
that I'm kickin'
Born 2 B Bad
Tongue still a-flickin'
Catchin' so many fliez
Cut 'choo back down 2 size
When u see that wack stacka billz

Betta jump while u can, dawg
Soon u gonna realize
Be 2 late if u wait
Watchin' ya wit' muh dolla bill eyez
Dey call me Money Frog

Ribbit up Ribbit up!
Can ya hear muh lyricz??
Ribbit up Ribbit up!
Learn ta fear it, Pigeon toad
Ribbit up Ribbit up!
Or ya gonna explode
Wit' jealousy when u see me
Slip yo' girl some Spanish Fly tonite
Money Frog gonna get her hi tonite
Ribbit up Ribbit up!
=========

Mo' 2 come!